Laughter is the best medicine... if only you understand it!

Situation 1

Some years ago a neighbour went to my sister’s house to complain because my nephew had hit her son with rock. When my sister asked her son why he had done it he replied, “Because he threw one at me first!”

“Why didn’t you call me?” demanded my sister.

Quietly he answered, “Because you have a bad aim.”

Situation 2

While driving with my wife and my six-year-old daughter an old bomb passed us, smoke billowing from its exhaust pipe. Concerned, my daughter asked, “ What Happens when a car gets really, really old and won’t work any more?”

Before I could reply, my wife said, “Someone sells it to your father, dear.”

Situation 3

A friend was thinking about buying a house in the country and asked me to look it over with him. We found the town, but could not locate the street.

We drove to the council office, where a community get-together was going on. We asked around, but no one had heard of the street. Even policemen and firefighters were stumped. Finally a young man came to our rescue, showing us exactly how to find the house.

I thanked him and asked if he was a police force or a fire department. “Neither,” he said, smiling. “I deliver pizzas.”

Situation 4

As our company’s only female executive. I took care to dress in a professional manner. One morning, I was especially spiffy, sporting a new outfit. “ You look fantastic,” said David, my new colleague. “Your clothes are so stylish, and your hair always looks great.” And then to add a final compliment, he said, “Gee, you must be get up at a crack of dawn!”

Situation 5

The manager of the garage where I worked as a mechanic sent an apprentice into the shop. The new fellow sat down at my workbench and said he was told to observe and ask questions.

“So, I’m observing,” he said. “…and my first question is, what time is the coffee break?”

Situation 6

My daughter is in the cast of a theatre restaurant that performs mystery plays. While the shows are quite entertaining, the food leaves a lot to be desired. Near the end of the play, each member of the audience submits a form, answering the question, “Who do you think is the murderer and why?”

“It must be the cook,” wrote one patron. “He tried to poison the rest of us too.”

Situation 7

While working as a driving instructor, my father described to a student how to change a tyre. On their next lesson together, the student said, “I really know about changing a flat tyre now.”

“Really?” Dad inquired. “What happened?”

“I wasn’t sure I remembered everything you told me,” she replied. “So when I got home I let the air out of one of my husband’s tyres and just watched what he did.”

Situation 8

I recently went to the bank to transfer some money. While I was there, I overheard a man engrossed in a heated conversation with a bank teller. The mans loan application had apparently been rejected. After some time, the man finally smiled and said, “I am sorry, I must be talking to the wrong person. I’d like to speak with the friendly free-lending officer who appears every night in your television commercial.” 


If you need more info on any command listed here, type /help {command} in mIRC. The list here is far from complete! 

/ Recalls the previous line entered in the current window.
/! Recalls the last command typed in any window.
/action {action text} Sends the specifed action to the active channel or query window.
/add [-apuce] {filename.ini} Loads aliases, popups, users, commands, and events.
/ame {action text} Sends the specifed action to all channels which you are currently on.
/amsg {text} Sends the specifed message to all channels which you are currently on.
/auser {level} {nick|address} Adds a user with the specified access level to the remote users list.
/auto [on|off|nickname|address] Toggles auto-opping of a nick or address or sets it on or off totally.
/away {away message} Sets you away leave a message explaining that you are not currently paying attention to IRC.
/away Sets you being back.
/ban [#channel] {nickname} [type] Bans the specified nick from the curent or given channel.
/beep {number} {delay} Locally beeps 'number' times with 'delay' inbetween the beeps. /channel Pops up the channel central window (only works in a channel).
/clear Clears the entire scrollback buffer of the current window.
/clearall Clears all text in all open windows.
/ctcp {nickname} {ping|finger|version|time|userinfo|clientinfo} Does the given ctcp request on nickname.
/closemsg {nickname} Closes the query window you have open to the specified nick.
/commands [on|off] Sets the Tools/Remote/Commands setion on or off or checks its status.
/creq [ask | auto | ignore] Sets your DCC 'On Chat request' settings in DCC/Options.
/dcc send {nickname} {file1} {file2} {file3} ... {fileN} Sends the specified files to nick.
/dcc chat {nickname} Opens a dcc window and sends a dcc chat request to nickname.
/dde [-r] {service} {topic} {item} [data] Allows DDE control between mIRC and other applications.
/ddeserver [[on [service name] | off] To turn on the DDE server mode, eventually with a givem service name.
/describe {#channel} {action text} Sends the specifed action to the specified channel window.
/disable {#groupname} De-activates a group of commands or events.
/disconnect Forces a hard and immediate disconnect from your IRC server. Use it with care.
/dlevel {level} Changes the default user level in the remote section.
/dns {nickname | IP address | IP name} Uses your providers DNS to resolve an IP address.
/echo [nickname|#channel|status] {text} Displays the given text only to YOU on the given place in color N.
/enable {#groupname} Activates a group of commands or events.
/events [on|off] Shows the remote events status or sets it to listening or not.
/exit Forces mIRC to closedown and exit.
/finger Does a finger on a users address.
/flood [{numberoflines} {seconds} {pausetime}] Sets a crude flood control method.
/flush [levels] Clears all nicknames from the Remote/users list that are currently not on your channels.
/font Activates the font selection dialog.
/fsend [on|off] Shows fsends status and allows you to turn dcc fast send on or off.
/fserve {nickname} {maxgets} {homedirectory} [welcome text file] Opens a fileserver.
/groups [-e|d] Shows all (enabled or disabled) groups defined in the remote sections.
/guser {level} {nick} [type] Adds the user to the user list with the specified level and address type.
/help {keyword} Brings up the Basic IRC Commands section in the mIRC help file.
/ignore [on|off|nickname|address] Toggles ignoring of a nick or address or sets it on or off totally.
/invite {nickname} {#channel} Invites another user to a channel.
/join {#channel} Makes you join the specified channel.
/kick {#channel} {nickname} Kicks nickname off a given channel.
/list [#string] [-min #] [-max #] Lists all currently available channels, evt. filtering for parameters.
/load {-apuce} {filename.ini} Loads Aliases, Popups or Remote items into mIRC.
/log [on|off] Shows the logging status or sets it on or off for the current window.
/me {action text} Sends the specifed action to the active channel or query window.
/mode {#channel|nickname} [[+|-]modechars [parameters]] Sets channel or user modes.
/msg {nickname} {message} Send a private message to this user without opening a query window.
/names {#channel} Shows the nicks of all people on the given channel.
/nick {new nickname} Changes your nickname to whatever you like.
/notice {nick} {message} Send the specified notice message to the nick.
/notify [on|off|nickname] Toggles notifying you of a nick on IRC or sets it on or off totally.
/onotice [#channel] {message} Send the specified notice message to all channel ops.
/omsg [#channel] {message} Send the specified message to all ops on a channel.
/part {#channel} Makes you leave the specified channel.
/partall Makes you leave all channels you are on.
/ping {server address} Pings the given server. NOT a nickname.
/play [-cpqmrlt] [channel/nick] {filename} [delay/linenumber] Allows you to play text files.
/pop {delay} [#channel] {nickname} Performs a randomly delayed +o on a not already opped nick.
/protect [on|off|nickname|address] Toggles protection of a nick or address or sets it on or off totally.
/query {nickname} {message} Open a query window to this user and send them the private message.
/quit [reason] Disconnect you from IRC with the optional byebye message.
/raw {raw command} Sends any raw command you supply directly to the server. Use it with care !
/remote [on|off] Shows the remote commands status or sets it to listening or not.
/rlevel {access level} Removes all users from the remote users list with the specified access level.
/run {c:\path\program.exe} [parameters] Runs the specified program, evt. with parameters.
/ruser {nick[!]|address} [type] Removes the user from the remote users list.
/save [-apuce] {filename.ini} Saves remote sections into a specified INI file.
/say {text} Says whatever you want to the active window.
/server [server address [port] [password]] Reconnects to the previous server or a newly specified one.
/sound [nickname|#channel] {filename.wav} {action text} Sends an action and a fitting sound request.
/speak {text} Uses the external text to speech program Monologue to speak up the text.
/sreq [ask | auto | ignore] Sets your DCC 'On Send request' settings in DCC/Options.
/time Tells you the time on the server you use.
/timer[N] {repetitions} {interval in seconds} {command} [| {more commands}] Activates a timer.
/timestamp [on | off] Sets timestamping on or off for all your conversations.
/topic {#channel} {newtopic} Changes the topic for the specified channel.
/ulist {level} Lists all users in the remote list with the specified access levels.
/url [-d] Opens the URL windows that allows you to surf the www parallel to IRC.
/uwho [nick] Pops up the user central with information about the specified user.
/wavplay {c:\path\sound.wav} Locally plays the specified wave file.
/who {#channel} Shows the nicks of all people on the given channel.
/who {*address.string*} Shows all people on IRC with a matching address.
/whois {nickname} Shows information about someone in the status window.
/whowas {nickname} Shows information about someone who -just- left IRC.
/write [-cidl] {filename} [text] To write the specified text to a .txt file.